ch...ch…ch…ch…changes…

I'm pruning ppl from my life again - by choice, and by circumstance.

I finally let SG have my full wrath after a late night booty-call, and me having to explain to JC why the phone rang at 3am. The fact that SG referred to me as his "sis" one day, and would call me wanting some a$$ another, frustrated me more than I could stand. I had an idea of how shallow SG could be after some comments he made about wanting a "good" woman, and that definition including his aversion for "big" (well, bigger than size 10) women. However, his self-centered "what's the big deal" response was more than I could take. And the fact that he accidentally revealed some falsehoods he presented to me while wanting me to intervene between his loony bi-sexual side chica, and his baby-mama (like his not getting his degree, borrowing $$$ from one chick to give to the other and whether or not he has another child) didn't help either. All in all, he took more than he offered, so the label "Opportunist" was accurate. No huge loss.

However, he's not the only person I cut back. JS is out - after he & I argued about favor balance. I do him a solid, and tell him he owes me one. I ask him to do me a solid, and have to remind him, which he does grudgingly and half-a$$ed, then cusses me out for asking for the favor in the first place. Oh yes, he cussed yours truly out, while I was at work, and hung up on me. Again, no huge loss.

And the drift-aways, like Sadat. Common background doesn't seem to overcome dissimilar current ground, and I just couldn't figure how to fix that. Ali, Fee-Fee…some I outgrew, some we were just too busy to connect.

But K...that's a whole different story.

The not-so-quick & dirty: K was my best female friend in the South, bar none. I thought we shared common values, likes, dislikes and experiences. And K had R (her baby daddy) whose mental was similar to FL (my baby daddy). R was FL's doppelganger - edumacated to FL's street knowledge; responsible to FL's immaturity. Or so we thought, until R started behaving like FL - abusive, misogynistic, in denial - the whole nine. So I tried to be a friend, told her to move on to the next guy, and when T showed up, I applauded it. I told K: "go and get your groove on, girl". Next thing I knew, R was outta the picture, and T was in, and K & T were playing house and planning the future.

I thought to myself, that it happened too fast, and that brothas morphing outta the woodwork with no past (T had little family, or friends to speak of) is always a bad thing. But K was happy, and I wanted to be supportive. So, did it surprise me when K called me the first time, to tell me T had pinned her to the wall & threatened her? Nah, not really. And when the other phone calls came - possible drugs, $$$ & T disappearing from her area - I also wasn't surprised. K was on the rebound when she met T, and the remix to drama is usually more dramatic than the original version, yanno? When K told me she wanted to move back here, I was like "sure, stay here with me" and gave her a key. Foolish of me.

What did surprise me was her over-the-top performance at my graduation dinner. You would've thought it was to honor her - spending her last bit of change to look fabulous (hair, nails, and some bling), regaling us with positive stories about her fiancé and how "good" he was. I sat there, thinkin' "isn't this the same ninja u were just crying hysterically about not even 24 hours ago cause he punked you for your bill $$$?" When K & I sat down and talked about her issues - not T (he's a symptom), but the bigger problem (her controlling her life, deciding what to do with it instead of allowing things to happen to her), she was really resistant, and not taking my (IMHO) constructive criticism (or so I thought) to heart or in the spirit with which I was offering it. The bottom line, IMHO, but in K's own words, was "The funny thing is - if he got help, I'd be back with him tomorrow". < sigh >

She stopped talking to me after the graduation fête. Left a voicemail message about being in jail behind a missed court date (that she never mentioned previously), and I haven't heard from her for 3+ weeks. Some of her things are in my apt, and I'll deliver them to her family. My daughter saw K & T together a few days ago. I saw that one coming - it was a matter of time before they recreated the image of domesticity. I'm second-guessing the whole thing now - wondering if K was more drama-queen than Diva, which would explain her partial estrangement from her family, her aunt suing her, etc...etc…and again, I'm thinking No Huge Loss.

The point:: ppl are either dropping like flies, or I'm sweeping them out like dirt on my doorstep - they betta not come in and defile my sacred space.

The prob:: I'm not replacing them. It's not like I'm opening myself to new friends. Not wholly interested in creating new relationships. There's VH, who can be cool, but also can be shallow (she reminds me of SG at times - caught up with appearances). Other than that, and the guys I may/may not date (and I ain't opening up to them either), I haven't been trying to reach out and touch anyone. And I haven't for a long time.

I really am not that Intj - notice below that I, NTJ all = 50%. The I for introversion is a conscious effort to shut ppl out, and prevent me from getting hurt. I'm not quiet, and only selectively anti-social. I rationalize that I just don't want just any-ole-body in my area.

I hope also that I'm not attracting what I reflect (drama, shallowness, etc).

I need to consciously be more selective about who I let into my life. Friends like E & J (not the brandy) - who are both singularly real, and embody what I want to be - positive & open-minded, yet not an eternal optimist, with some realism/cynicism and pragmatism thrown in - are what I want to surround myself with. And knowing how critical I am of self, I know I am also that judgmental about the friends I deal with. I just want to be a better judge of character, and select my "peeps", my inner circle, my support system and sanctum, better. And I don't want to cut ppl out unnecessarily, and without merit.

This all stems from FL...I have to write about FL soon, which will explain a lot of things.